This site has limited support for your browser. We recommend switching to Edge, Chrome, Safari, or Firefox.

Not sure where to start? Discover all our scripts

Talk to one of our experts here

Thank you for purchasing with Stagescripts

Shopping basket 0

Sorry, looks like we don't have enough of this product.

Products

Need help? Contact our team here

Pair with
Subtotal Free
Shipping, taxes, and discount codes are calculated at checkout
  • American Express
  • Apple Pay
  • Diners Club
  • Discover
  • Google Pay
  • Maestro
  • Mastercard
  • Shop Pay
  • Union Pay
  • Visa

Hospital Affairs

Carole Tricker

Genre: Comedy

Cast size: 11

Duration: Two Act

Carole Tricker | Comedy | Full-length | 6m, 5f

Short synopsis

This farce is set in an unused hospital ward where a porter hosts poker games for patients. However, Jane, the hospital manager, sees the ward as an ideal place to seduce Dr Preston, and Nurse Susie wants to continue her affair with the same doctor. Mayhem ensues when another porter brings in his Gran to sleep there as he has overfilled their house with Airbnb guests.

Hospital porter Fred hosts poker games for patients in an unused ward in a newly opened hospital.  He keeps a pile of boxes to hide these goings on, saying they are full of surplus equipment.

On the night in question he has two patients and another porter lined up to play poker.

However, Jane, hospital administrator, sees the ward as the ideal place to seduce Dr Preston and prepares one of the bed bays for the seduction scene. At the same time, and unknown to Fred and Jane, Pete (who delivers the meals to patients) wants to use the ward as a place for his Gran to sleep while their house is rented out on Airbnb. He gets her settled into one of the beds.  Sexy nurse Susie James is already having an affair with Dr Nigel Preston and persuades him that the empty ward is an ideal place to meet.

Dini is a cleaner from an Eastern European country.  She misunderstands everything because of her poor English. She gets involved when she thinks the Gran is a real patient who is dangerously ill with appendicitis. She is also very keen to marry anyone, and Pete appears to be an ideal candidate.

The fun starts as all these characters try to use the ward for their own purposes.  One is knocked out by Gran and the other poker players have to deal with an unconscious body and, of course, this is when Jane/Susie/Dr Prestonl appear. The action ends up with clothes being taken off, hidden and swopped. Pete ends up in his Gran’s clothes, Susie in Jane’s clothes. Jane in the bed with a sexy nightie on in silk sheets and Gran in bed in her curlers, 

At this point, Mrs Carstairs, the chairperson of the NHS trust walks in.  Dr Preston manages to ‘explain’ everything, all support his story, and things end happily. 

The themed weekend is forgotten as they argue and fight over the rooms, and the fact that something in the bathroom has just toppled into the remaining part of the garden due to subsidence. This though, is before a drunken séance that manages to conjure up a ghost or two!

(6m, 5f)

  • Pete McDonald - 30s, takes food trolley round in the hospital, gauche, ruled by his Gran, scared of women, not very bright, a clown
  • Gran - very old, crafty, sharp
  • Fred Downfield - 50s, hospital porter, rotund, always on the make
  • Susie James - sexy nurse, Sister of the adjoining ward, brunette, having a fling with Dr Nigel Preston
  • Dr Nigel Preston - pompous, a bit of a letch
  • Jane Murphy - hospital Manager, tall, blond, fearsomely efficient, desperate to seduce Dr Preston
  • Dini - 30s, cleaner, Eastern European, appalling English, full of energy, misunderstands everybody but always tries to help and always gets it wrong, desperate to marry anyone
  • Bert - patient from a nearby ward, leg in plaster in a wheelchair
  • Jack - patient in a nearby ward, has a drip in his arm with fluid carried on a mobile stand
  • Jeff - another porter, Fred’s friend, uncouth
  • Mrs Carstairs - NHS Trust chairperson
Free

Applying for and paying royalties

To apply for royalties, please complete the form on our apply for royalties page.

To pay for fixed fee royalties having received your Quotation from us, please go to this payment form.

[{"variant_id":"55498964795778" , "metafield_value":""},{"variant_id":"55498964861314" , "metafield_value":""},{"variant_id":"55498964894082" , "metafield_value":""},{"variant_id":"55498964959618" , "metafield_value":""}]

Hospital Affairs

Free
More information

If you require any additional information regarding this script, please don’t hesitate to contact us here.

Frequently asked questions

Can we try before we buy?

Of course! All our plays and pantomimes have a free Preview Script available for download as an A4 pdf file that contains 60-75% of the full script. If you like what you read then you can buy an inexpensive e-script of the entire play (typically less than half the cost of a traditional printed script) which is licensed to you for your personal use. Purchasing a script copying licence allows you to make just enough copies to support rehearsals and performances.

All our musicals are included in our perusal service. Through this, representatives of producing organisations can request a USB Stick of perusal material  which comprise the script/libretto and piano/vocal score as PDF files; a Cast (or Studio) Recording as MP3 files and (where available) an MP4 file video of either the premiere production or of a subsequent production.

Some titles have the facility to read the entire script online on our website.

Do we need a Licence To Perform?

The simple answer is, yes.

Under the international laws of copyright, you must be in possession of a valid, unexpired licence before performing any piece of theatre unless the owner or managers of the copyright has waived their rights.

Why do you insist on providing a formal royalties quotation?

When you request a quotation, it is logged in our system, it forms part of an orderly queue and protects your place in that queue should multiple licensing requests occur for the same show.

Need help?

Contact us

If you need help with our scripts, please contact our customer service team, we would be more than happy to help.

Customer Reviews

Be the first to write a review
0%
(0)
0%
(0)
0%
(0)
0%
(0)
0%
(0)

Established for over 25 years

Unearthing future talent


Stagescripts is a trusted licensing company run by theatre professionals with decades of experience on and off stage. Our curated catalogue includes over 1,000 carefully selected plays, musicals, and pantomimes — from fresh, undiscovered writing to well-loved classics.

We’re passionate about helping theatre-makers at every level discover scripts that inspire, challenge, and connect with audiences. Whether you're staging a village hall production or leading a professional company, our team offers expert advice, flexible support, and a responsive, personal service to help your next performance shine.