Fade To Grey

Bad Hair Day (2f)
Beryl has just had a new hairdo and, to her annoyance, her friend Annie hasn’t noticed. We join the two friends as Beryl, already in a rage, drops hints about her hair that Annie just doesn’t pick up on. Finally the penny drops – only for Beryl to reveal she hates her new hairdo so much she’s thinking of shaving her head. If you have a friend who doesn’t catch on, or a friend who will put you in the wrong whatever you say, you’ll recognise yourself in Bad Hair Day.

You Should Have Gone To … (2m or 1m 1f)
He’s collecting his new spectacles and he’s not happy. He was previously quoted £200, and now he’s being charged £350. With infuriating nonchalance the shop assistant explains that, as the customer didn’t tick the box for plain varifocals (cheaper) he’s been given the tinted varifocals (more expensive) by default. Where was the box? In the small print - the small print he couldn’t see because he needs new glasses. This is a sketch for anyone frustrated by infuriatingly nonchalant staff and the increasing complexity of life…

The Invisible Woman (1f)
Irene is hard of hearing. In this monologue she explains how she can make herself invisible. All she has to do is ask the person she is conversing with to face her so she can lipread, then, later, ask them to slow their speech a little, then ask them not to shield their mouth with their hand … and she’s invisible to them! This is not altogether a bad thing, for, while they have stopped registering her presence in the room, she can’t hear what they are droning on about. Result!

Mens Insana In Corpore Insano (1m 1f)
Tommy and Felicity are ‘exercise nutters’ or, rather, Felicity is and Tommy … not so much. In this short sketch they show off their exercise regime while describing it in rhyme, Tommy’s gloomy utterances regularly undercutting Felicity’s more upbeat contributions. At the end Felicity tells us, ‘We’ll keep on going till we’re fit’ to which Tommy replies, ‘Or, in my case, fit to drop!’ This sketch is for everyone whose idea of a good thing doesn’t quite align with their partner’s. Headbands and legwarmers optional.

The Birthday Present (1m)
Dan has just turned 60. In this monologue he recalls his birthday party in less than glowing terms. His family, irritating and difficult to like, repeatedly emphasised his advancing age, making him gloomy and annoyed. Soon the worst moment came: he opened a present and it turned out to be a cardigan. A beige cardigan. Imagine his horror when he tried it on and found out … it suited him. It was exactly the right choice for the person he’d become. This is a bitter-sweet monologue which will ring a bell with anyone who has reached ‘a certain age’ …

Silver Service (1f)
You recognise her, don’t you? You don’t? She’s Trudy Traynor, who, many years ago, had a very minor role in TV’s ‘Mackenzie’s Restaurant’, a live soap from the Bristol studio. She’s going to tell you all about it whether you want to hear it or not. She was a Supporting Artist at first, then was given a line to say and became a ‘Walk-on 1’. But did her career take off? No, because Sandy Griffin, a fellow Supporting Artist, became a fan favourite for dropping some turbot on the studio floor and saying ‘That wasn’t supposed to happen.’ Silver Service is a story of bitterness, regret, broken dreams and daytime TV.

A Sense of Direction (1m, 1f, 1f voice)
Mr and Mrs are going to a wedding. Mrs is driving and Mr is navigating, though Mrs knows exactly where she is going. The atmosphere is frosty and they argue every point, so eventually they put the Satnav on. This doesn’t help, sadly, because Mr’s attitude is that, when the Satnav agrees with him, they should follow its instructions, but when it doesn’t … Things reach fever pitch after they have to do two U-turns in rapid succession; Mrs stops the car, tricks Mr into getting out and drives off, the Satnav triumphantly intoning ‘Go girl! Go girl!’

The Garden Centre (1m)
Richard, a shopping bag beside him, is talking to his wife about a recent trip to the garden centre. He tells her he mistook a trendily dressed woman for one of the staff and an awkward conversation ensued; he tells her the woman asked him to join her for coffee. ‘I thought about you as I said yes.’ He goes on to tell his wife that he has been out on several dates with the woman he met … We realise, when he brings a potted geranium out of the bag, that he is at his wife’s graveside and is trying to work out what she’d think of him ‘moving on’.

Bonus duologue and monologue not in the original Sketch Show
All In Vain (1m, 1f)
First performed as part of Picture This on Zoom during lockdown by Immaculate Theatre and Crew of Patches on October 17^th 2020.
Romance, comedy and a meditation on art – in seven minutes! All in Vain starts with Ben and Louisa, old friends in their forties, at the National Gallery looking at a still life concerning the vanity of amassing wealth in the face of death. Ben sees a different, personal meaning in the painting, however – it is telling him to ‘seize the day’! At the risk of ruining a good friendship, Ben seizes the day and tells Louisa that he has been in love with her for years. As luck would have it, Louisa has been in love with Ben for years too; they head off to the gallery tearoom and a new future.

Click (1m)
First performed as part of Truth or Dare, a Zoom production in lockdown by Putney Theatre Company, on 23^rd July 2020.
Alan has OCD. He is standing on his front doorstep unable to move away. He recalls the day before, when he had to check taps, windows, electrical sockets and the contents of his work bag seven times and still couldn’t leave for work. Yesterday was the anniversary of his houseproud mother’s death; he wonders whether her example made him who he is. This morning, he knows that he only has to get to the garden gate and he will experience the ‘click’ that will mean he is OK for the rest of the day. Resisting his impulse to re-check everything, he summons up all his will – and finally steps down and walks away.