Peter Pantelyne, Esq

Peter Pantelyne is an anti-heroic reincarnation of Pierre Patelin, the down at heels lawyer in a medieval French farce. As with the original, this modern adaptation is plot driven and retains its central theme of morality and getting ones just desserts.

Initially we see Peter as an idle waster content to live his life on the sofa and sponging off the state. However, a serious domestic emergency occurs; the television has exploded, and Gloria, Peter’s long suffering wife, wants a new one! Okay, Pete is cleaning windows next week (hopefully the benefit agency won’t find out), they can get one then. No! Gloria wants one … now! It takes an argument; a thorough beating with a rolled up newspaper, tears and that age-old way to a man’s heart to goad Pete into action. So, problem: new telly needed, and no money to buy it.

Pete’s dislike of physical effort is more than made up for in his ability as a trickster. He is a student of the human condition. He knows what makes the world go round: desire, lust and greed. So, armed with a little knowledge, he sets off to see a wretched pawnbroker, Frank Balls, who is seen to have about every vice known to man! He’s also a keen collector of famous autographs.

The scene shifts to the pawnbrokers where we find Mr Balls accepting the last of a blackmail payment from a disgraced judge. Frank has some incriminating photographs of the judge entering a gay brothel. But, the low-life pawnbroker double crosses on the deal and keeps the photographs, on the basis that it might be useful having a tame judge on the end of a string. Exit, one angry judge.

Frank’s other business is a dodgy back street motor repair garage, and for reasons best known to him he decides to fire his mechanic, the dim and disgruntled Cooksey. Exit, one angry mechanic.

Pete arrives outside Frank’s shop. Here he meets Jenny, a young single mother who has just been lewdly propositioned by Frank. Pete is more determined than ever to turn Frank over. He enters the shop and a battle of wits commences. Pete throws out bait and every time, the weak-willed pawnbroker takes it. The upshot is that Pete leaves with a second-hand television set (without paying for it), and Frank is invited  round to the Pantelyne house later to collect payment in the form of two rare autographs, and also the promise of a threesome with him and Gloria!

Pete arrives home with the ‘hot’ television. He quickly garbles the plan to a shocked Gloria, who barely has time to reply when the pawnbroker arrives to collect his ‘payment’. Imagine his confusion when an upset Gloria tells him that it can’t have been Pete in his shop. Poor Pete has been laid on the sofa for three days solid, suffering from the most awful DT’s.  Good old Gloria sticks to her story in the face of Frank getting madder and madder. He is about to get really nasty when Pete erupts into an hallucinogenic frenzy and starts chasing Frank round the room with a carving knife. Frank escapes (without his television) but with his manhood still attached.

In a fit of pique, Cooksey has stolen a car from Frank’s garage and sold it. The problem is, Frank knows Cooksey stole his car, and sets up a kangaroo court with his tame judge as mediator.

In desperation Cooksey asks Pete to be his ‘lawyer’. Pete’s not too sure, the television episode will be fresh in Frank’s mind. Eventually though, Cooksey offers enough money and Pete agrees to do it.

A very (badly) disguised Pete meets Cooksey in the back room of the ‘Pig And Whistle’ pub, where he gives the confused Cooksey his instructions: the only noise Cooksey is to make when questioned, is ‘Bruuum! Bruuum! Pete will do the rest.

Frank and the judge arrive and Pete starts leading them down the garden path and is doing very well until Gloria arrives and blows Pete’s cover. The furious Frank goes for Pete and a violent fight breaks out. The whole scene sinks into pandemonium. Who will crawl out the other side? Will Cooksey get away with it? Will Pete ever be released from that deadly headlock? Will the tables be turned on the despicable pawnbroker? Perhaps the biggest twists are yet to come.

Apart from some interesting characterisation possibilities the play has some great comedy and delicious one-liners, together with a chase, a fight scene and a small amount of (optional) nudity.